Julie's Perspective

Monday, November 14, 2005 will forever be imprinted on my brain. Jackson and I started the day out by going over to Nana and Pops' house to play with Emma and Eric while Aunt Emmy packed the car to head back to Simpsonville. The kids and I were in the playroom. I was a bit uncomfortable but not anything out of the ordinary. Emmy and her kids left around 10 or 10:30am.

I was still in nesting mode and on the lookout for a few things. Jackson and I went shopping. I kept feeling contractions but didn't pay any attention. My doctor told me that if I didn't know if I was in labor, I was not in labor. I figured that these contractions didn't seem too bad, so I was probably okay.

Around 11am, I called the doctor's nurse and asked her if I could be in labor even if my water had not broken. She said to look for contractions five to seven minutes apart. I described my symptoms - I had lower back pain that kept me up the night before and I was having contractions closer and closer together. She said I should come in. I told her I didn't want to come in only for a false alarm. She said, "I really think you should come in, Julie." So, I made a tentative appointment for 1:00pm. I was going to cancel if my pain calmed down.

Jack and I were close by so we stuck around and went to Babies 'R' Us. After a while, I figured out that my contractions were around seven and eight minutes apart. At 12:05pm I decided to go home (20 minutes), pack a bag (10 minutes), and drive back (20 minutes). So, we set off for home.

I called Jim, my father-in-law. He was in the middle of a phone conference and asked if it could wait. I told him I thought I may be in labor and could he be on standby for Jack since he was the only person in town? Betty was in Montgomery packing her Mom for a move to Birmingham, Jamie was on business in Nashville, and my family was in Columbia. He said that was fine.

I got home, ran inside, tidied up, packed my bag, packed Jackson's bag, and then headed back to the hospital. At 1:10pm, I arrived at the doctor's office. He checked me and said I was five centimeters dilated and needed to be admitted to labor and delivery. His nurse walked me and Jackson down. The nurses at the desk asked who was being admitted and I said it was me. They said, "You are so calm!" To be honest, my pain was not that intense, probably because my water had not yet broken.

The nurses entertained Jackson with juice and coloring until Pops got there. Pops took Jackson home with him. I had called Jamie at 1:30, knowing he had a really important meeting in Nashville. I didn't call him earlier because I was afraid of a false alarm. He told me he already had the meeting and was on his way. I figured he wasn't telling the truth and I was right.:) He left a really important meeting so he could be here for the birth. I was simply afraid he wouldn't make it in time.

There were no rooms available at the time of my admittance so I was in the recovery room. Eventually, I was wheeled into a room. Soon thereafter, our neighbor arrived with Jamie's bag. Jamie had called him, walked him through the house over the phone, and got him to pack Jamie's bag. I could not believe it!

My doctor had broken my water for me when I was first admitted. Later, when I got to ten centimeters and the nurses were checking me, they noticed that all of the water had not yet drained which explained why I wasn't feeling that much pain. Once they got all the water out, I decided to go with the epidural. I wanted to go natural and when I asked the nurse if it was much worse as the baby actually came out she said that most women screamed. I decided to go with the epidural. I got it around 3:45pm but the anesthesiologist didn't realize I was going to start pushing right away. I could still feel everything. He upped the dosage two or three times until finally I couldn't feel anything. Jamie got to the hospital around 4:20 and Jonathan was born at 5:10pm.

When Jonathan emerged, I immediately noticed his thick neck. At my 20 week ultrasound, I remember the tech not being able to get a good neck measurement. That always stuck out to me. When Jamie cut the cord and Jonathan was handed over to a nurse to be cleaned up and examined, I asked her if Jonathan had symptoms of Down Syndrome, thinking she would dismiss me with a "Oh, no! He just has a chubby neck!" Instead, she said, "Actually, since you asked, he has four characteristics of Down Syndrome - extra fat on his neck, slanted eyes, spacing of eyes, and one line traversing his palm rather than two." Rather than euphoria, we felt shock and as if our breath had been knocked out of us.

Any baby would have changed our lives forever. Please understand - we love Jonathan dearly. We were totally unprepared for this and it is taking some time to get used to.

I feel tremendous sadness. I feel I have failed Jackson. I had not planned on being active in my child's life for my lifetime but I will have to now. I feel robbed. I feel numb. I cry most days. I hate it when people say, "God gives special people special kids." I hate that my child will carry a stigma with him the rest of his life and that people will stare at us when we shop, go out to eat, or travel.

What I have said in terms of what I am feeling may shock some of you. However, before you judge, simply put yourselves in our shoes. I know it will get better. In fact, Jamie and I will probably be the best parents both of our kids could have. Still, this has been a blow.

Thank you for your prayers. Please continue to pray for us in these ways:
1 - Jamie and I will work together and not against each other.
2 - We will balance Jackson's needs along with Jonathan's.
3 - We will adjust to this situation.

Signing off for now,
Julie