Update on Jack and The Apple Store Fiasco

Jackson is doing well. We are keeping him down which he finds most depressing. His voice is odd - we are hoping he is just compensating for pain. He is not himself still but we are glad that he is eating, talking, and moving around. He has not complained much - he just hasn't been himself. We have been concerned about bleeding and that is supposed to be an issue for another week - not too much activity to keep blood pressure down. We head to the beach next week and my brother's wedding the following weekend. We hope Jackson will recover enough to enjoy it!

Here is a really interesting story, something that happened to me recently...

About a month ago, I headed to the Apple Store to see if they could revive my iPod. When I walked into the store, I noticed a young girl that looked familiar. As the clerk was finishing up with me, a woman sidled up. I realized she was the mother of the girl I had seen. I realized that the girl was a former student.

I greeted the mother and she asked if I was Mrs. Warren who taught seventh grade math. I smiled and said "yes" and inquired after her daughter. She said, "She is doing great despite you." I took a double-take and it all came back. This woman had been most caustic and abusive when I had her daughter. I said, "Is the only reason you came over here to talk to me was to say that?" She said, "It sure is!" and I replied, "Then I think we are done here." However, she kept talking as she nervously pulled at the skin on her neck. I could tell she was most agitated and the thought ran through my mind that maybe she was certifibly crazy - she was fuming and behaving as if what she was angry about had happened just yesterday. I decided to let her talk - maybe I needed to listen. Maybe I had done something for which I needed to apologize. As she rambled on and on, I prayed for guidance. Left to my own devices, I might scratch her eyes out or slice her to nothing with my words, and well, that wouldn't be very good, would it?:)

This is how the conversation went (this is my version, as accurate as I remember):

Mother: You know, you were the most hated teacher at the school. We all would sit around and just talk about you.

Me: Really? That's unfortunate.

Mother: Because of you, countless lives were ruined.

Me: What do you mean?

Mother: Parents trusted your recommendations for eighth grade math and then their children were unable to attend the college of their choice because you did not recommend them for the advanced eighth grade class.

Me: How was that my fault?

Mother: After eighth grade, they could no longer get on the advanced math track and, subsequently, were unable to be as competitive for college applications. Do you know how competitive college is?

Me: Yes, I am aware of that.

Mother: Did you all just sit around and try to think of ways to keep children out of advanced math? Why was your department so punitive?

Me: No, we did not. I was not responsible for the structure of the math classes in the school system. Before I recommended a student for the following year, I looked at as many scores as I could, the kids' performance in my class, etc. and then I wore the other teachers out with trying to see what they thought. They used to make fun of me because I would agonize over it so.

Mother: Well, my child just LOVED the eighth grade teacher and had a great year with her.

Me: Well, the eighth grade teacher looked over my recommendations before I gave them.

Mother: (A little deflated.) Who do I need to talk to now to change the way the math department conducts itself?

Me: I am not sure - I haven't worked there for five years. (I am wondering why she feels it is necessary to change it now?)

Mother: You just don't know what it is like to have someone tell your child they can't do something.

Me: I think I will - I have a child with DS.

Mother: Well, I hope people are kinder to your child than you were to mine.

Me: I was NEVER unkind to your child.

Mother: Oh, yes you were! You told her she was incapable and stupid (her interpretation of my recommendation that her child take regular math rather than advanced after a struggle all year in my class).

Me: Are you serious? I NEVER said anything like that! That NEVER crossed my mind!

Mother: In her senior year her calculus teacher told her that she was bright. She said, "Oh, no I'm not. You should talk to my seventh grade math teacher."

Me: I am so sorry she had such a terrible experience with me. I am also sorry for you, carrying this around for - what? - ten years? Where is she? Can I talk to her?

Mother: Well... yes, you can talk to her. She is out in the car. She will be nice to you - she is a very nice girl.

Me: I am sure she will be - I remember her being so...

Mother: You know, each year in my daughter's math class, your chapter three test would come up. You know - the test where the Venn diagram question was worth 20 points and if you missed all of it, you were down to an 80?

Me: No, I am sorry. I don't remember that one. I wrote new tests every year.

(We walk out to the car together.)

Me: Student, your mom has been telling me what an awful experience you had in my class.

(Student nods her head.)

Mother: Honey, remember that chapter three test?

(Student nods her head and smiles and I feel like I have entered the Twilight Zone.)

Me: Your mom also tells me your perception of me is that I thought you were stupid.

(Student nods her head, looking bored.)

Me: I am sorry that you had such a bad experience in my class. Just so you know, I never said you were stupid nor did I ever think it. It sounds like you are doing very well despite your experience with me - congratulations! I wish you continued success.

At that point, I walked off. I couldn't find my car and laughed to myself. I was shaking and did not want to let on. I felt like I had been kicked. The mother wanted to catch me by surprise. She did. Her cruelty was both shocking and terribly pathetic.

The interesting thing is that the mother overrode my recommendation for her child that year and placed her in advanced eighth grade math anyway. Her fury was rooted in the fact that she took my recommendation to mean her child was not smart and she poisoned her child into letting her think that. Her child did struggle in my class and interpreted that to mean I thought she was stupid. My class was difficult, especially for children who were not prepared or who had not yet developed higher level thinking skills. I was responsible for assuming kids from four different elementary schools were starting out at the same level. Not only were they from four different schools but often at least thirty percent were not recommended and placed there by their parents. So, I was expected to teach advanced students but spent most of my time dealing with the kids for whom the class was not intended.

Add to all this that some kids did mature over the summer and could do the eighth grade advanced class. However, my recommendation was based on how they performed in my class and on scores. I explained to this mother that this time of year was most difficult for me because I wanted to place each child correctly. I prayed over those recommendations and drove the other teachers crazy trying to get them to help me so I would not make mistakes. I knew the students (and their parents) took this very personally.

After my experience at that school, I realized many things. If my child cannot handle a class on his own, I will not push him to be in it. If my child does not develop a personal relationship with his teacher, we will talk about how it is not a rejection of him. If my child performs poorly in a class after having given it his best shot (this girl did work hard), we will talk about how it is not a reflection on his intelligence. Finally, I will not be that parent who is vindictive. I realize that when it comes to your child, it is hard not to take their struggles personally. I knew that before I had kids. I am hoping I will respond differently.

I have been wronged before by people from whom I didn't expect it and carried it around far too long. I realize now that the way those people treated me was not right but it also was not personal. This mother and I have something in common - we both carried around our hurt too long and became vicious, reliving it any time an event triggered our hurt. As I looked at her while she hissed at me, I saw myself and felt blessed - blessed to have been given a picture of how I look when I carry unforgiveness in my heart. This woman hurt me but she really hurt herself and her daughter far worse. In fact, she taught her daughter a terrible lesson - one she may be unable to unlearn for some time and I grieve that for her. Through a contact, I actually discovered that this mother has another child at my old school, currently in the seventh grade. This mother has been abusing his seventh grade teacher. While I feel sorry for that teacher, the mother's reaction to me made so much more sense.

If you were having a bad day, do you feel better?:) Ha! You never know what each day might bring, do you?

Julie:)
juliewarren@mindspring.com