I got pregnant in September and was due June 15. I ran a 10K race with friends on November 3 and had one week to go before we started telling family and friends another baby was on the way. I felt very peaceful and excited - a little scared but mostly at peace. I ran through both pregnancies with the boys so didn't think anything of it. After the race, I miscarried. The doctor assured me it had nothing to do with it. I had other questions - did it mean the baby had genetic abnormalities? Was that God's way of saying "no" to my desire to have more children? I sucked it up and took it well on the outside. I didn't want to take too long to grieve - I wanted to get over it and not be the person who always had "issues." I won't lie - it was a disappointment and while I know the Lord has a plan, I have found it difficult to accept the fact that a new person won't be arriving this summer.
Jamie and I know that we are not immune to hardship - we don't get a pass and neither does Jackson or Jonathan. Quite honestly, a few years ago I probably would have told you that one does get a pass after "x" amount of difficulty. I don't know where I got that idea, but I had it. I thought if you worked hard enough, you could ward off pain. God would protect you from things. From a distance, I thought those going through tough times either were paying consequences for poor choices or the Lord had chosen them to be martyrs. I have spent years angry that God didn't protect me from hardship. I would vaccillate between anger at Him and anger at myself wondering why He didn't protect me or wondering what else I could have done to avoid the heartahce. I have come to the conclusion that He knows what He is doing, He is not caught by surprise, and I could not have done more. I have realized that what comes my way is totally within His control and is for His glory - easy or hard times. I can continue to respond angrily to rough situations or I can roll with it and quit comparing my sitation to others. I have compared myself to others my entire life - grades, athletics, relationships, etc. I either come out on top or at the bottom. I have pleaded with the Lord, saying, "I did all this and you STILL let something happen to me? Why not that person or that person who made this or that poor choice?" I equated poor choices with pain and good choices with blessing.
I am beginning to realized that my difficulties have been the biggest blessings I have ever had. I will not be trite and say I don't ever struggle with what has happened over the years. I do - but that is momentary. A friend of mine recently confessed that had everything gone her way, she would not pursue a relationship with God because she would not "need" Him. I concur. I have pursued God out of obedience and more from an academic perspective. The last years have forced me to live out my faith rather than just study it. I have had to put into practice what I have spent years studying. It has been tough but rewarding. I have been brought to my knees. I see my need for the Lord and see how I cannot do more to earn His approval or to gain immunity from hardship. I just have to let go of the anger, pride, and bitterness that I have a tendency to store up.
One of my friends asked me today if I have any New Years' Resolutions. I am always resolving to lose five or ten pounds and to catch up on scrapbooking or journaling. My hope is that I can be easier on myself and others, that I can let go and accept God's grace. I am tired of trying to do it on my own!
On another note, we are gearing up to run the Mercedes Marathon to raise money for the Bell Center again this year. Last year, you all helped us to raise over $20,000. This year, so far, Jamie, Jim, and I are running for Jonathan. Another team headed up by our financial advisor, Josh "The Slavedriver" Reidinger, is running as well. Please join us by supporting the Bell Center this year at www.firstgiving.com/juliawarren.
Hoping to write more often,
Julie:)
juliewarren@mindspring.com
Re-enacting Darth Vader cutting off Luke Skywalker's hand.
Granny reading to Jonathan as Daddy reads to Jackson.
Grammie and Grandpa got Jackson and Jonathan matching Park Ranger outfits from Alaska.
Jonathan enjoying his birthday cupcake.
Jackson made a Native American hat at our Thanksgiving playdate with kids from church.
Ashby, Ashby's mom (Kasey), and Amelia make Thanksgiving Day crafts.
Us at Jonathan's birthday party.
Jackson and his classmates at their Thanksgiving Day Feast.
Jackson's Pilgrim outfit he made at school.
Brother/sister run. Sister used to be faster than brother. Brother will always be faster than sister.
Uncle Stephen got home from Iraq in October. He was awarded the Silver Star a few weeks ago!
Daddy, Jackson, and Jonathan at Grammie and Grandpa's house.
Cowboy Jonathan riding Daddy.
Daddy and the boys on Grammie and Grandpa's trampoline.
Aunt Nancy and Uncle Stephen watching Jamie fry the turkey.
Julie and Jamie - Jamie fried our turkey.
Aunt Betsy and Jackson jumping on the tramp.
Uncle Stephen and his fiancee, Jessica.
Julie's side of the family.
Julie and Aunt Betsy.
Jackson solving problems on Grandpa's chalkboard.
Jonathan's new hairstyle.
Homewood has a tradition where they put trees in the front yard. Our friend, Derek, clued us in that we should put it in the ground so it would
stay fresh longer. Jamie and Jackson planted it together!
Daddy and Jonathan.
Jackson decorating his tree for his room with a chain he and Nana made.
Jackson had a picnic in the bathroom with his furry friends. Very sanitary.
Jamie decorating the tree.
Jonathan trying to eat an ornament Nana and Pops brought from Romania.
1 comment:
This is a great post, Julie. Thanks for being so honest about your life. It's very encouraging to me. I LOVE the video of the boys!
Sarah
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