The FIVE J's: Pictures and Personal Epiphany

My miscarriage in November was the catalyst for a personal discovery. I had wrestled with and convinced myself, over the last two years, that I was responsible for Jonathan's diagnosis. I began to wonder in earnest if God was punishing our family because of some sin I had committed of which I was unaware. If I didn't discover it soon,I feared what I might bring upon our family.

Friday night, I met up with my old Biblestudy group and asked them if they thought it was possible Jonathan's diagnosis was a punishment. That was met with a resounding "no!" and Romans 8:1, that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ. They encouraged me to identify the lies and to quit believing them. This discussion gave me a ray of hope.

Sunday, our pastor preached on being desperate for the Holy Spirit this week. We read Exodus 33 about Moses meeting with God and experiencing God's glory. Our pastor challenged us to fast on Tuesday and to pray that God would show us as much of His glory as we could handle. I began praying that moment for God to reveal His glory to me. I found myself drawn to Jonathan more than usual and started to see our situation in an entirely different light.

Monday night I started the process of beginning Jonathan's baby book - I printed out pictures from the first six months of his life. I printed out pictures of him as a newborn (http://thefourjs.blogspot.com/2005_11_01_archive.html), in his "crib" in the NICU under the blue lights, coming home with a heart monitor on, prep for heart surgery, what he looked like immediately after his surgery (http://thefourjs.blogspot.com/2006_02_01_archive.html), his staples from the surgery (http://thefourjs.blogspot.com/2006_03_01_archive.html), his chest after the staples were removed, and pictures of him totally healed from his operation.

After praying constantly, "Lord, show me Your glory, show me Your glory, show me Your glory," I truly saw the photos for the first time. I realized that God had been showing me His glory all along - I was simply too blind to see it. Jonathan should not have survived his first night here - a nurse just happened to notice him turning blue. He was jaundiced, but recovered. He could not maintain a warm body temperature for days but finally did. His lungs would not keep his oxygen at safe levels, but they eventually did. He could have died in heart surgery but he didn't. Jackson could have resented the focus on Jonathan but he didn't - he kissed him every chance he got and continues to help as much as he can. This situation should have made our marriage harder but it has made it so much better.

Looking back, I am ashamed of how I responded to the Lord in November of 2005. Grief for what could have been was fine - lashing out at the Lord was a mistake. He was in control and could be trusted - I had convinced myself otherwise. Bringing Jonathan's diagnosis into our lives has been the best refiner of my faith and I could not be more thankful. I realize that Jackson, Jonathan, the miscarriage - all of it - is in God's hands. His purposes cannot be thwarted and I can relax. I am simply thrilled that the Lord has not given up on me and continues to pursue a personal relationship with me.

Seeing His glory,
Julie
juliewarren@mindspring.com