Visits, Vacation, Doctor, Thoughts

As I sit here to update you all, Jamie is at work, Jackson is snoozing in his room, and Jonathan is on the floor, doing raspberries, rolling, and scooting/crawling. All is well in my world at this moment.

We saw my parents a couple of weeks ago. It was a great visit. My sister came to stay here with us for a week. I was able to cram in tons of appointments and errands and was so grateful for the help. We went to the beach last week with Jamie's family - his parents, his sister and her husband and children. Jackson and Jonathan did not sleep well while we were there but we had a wonderful time. We got sun, ate constantly, and relaxed.

I took Jonathan to an opthamologist today to have his vision checked. Jackson went with us. He was fairly well-behaved. "Toy Story" was piped into the room which he found thrilling. We are trying to phase out movies like that because he is starting to mimic fight scenes and the cynical banter. However, I was grateful for the distraction! The doctor promised him some treats and he seemed disappointed and, upon receiving a sticker, asked where the suckers were.:) Children with Down Syndrome are more likely to have vision problems so it is wise to stay on top of it. Jonathan's vision was 20/20 today although it seems he is tending toward nearsightedness and will probably need glasses in a few years. The doctor said that his eyes look 100% healthy with the exception of his blocked tear ducts. His eyes tear a lot and get kind of gooey from a back-up in the channel that should drain his tears. He has had this since birth and it seems to be getting better. Hopefully, it will correct itself. If not, he can have a procedure done at 12 months that should clear it up.

It is hard to say how we are doing these days. Some days are wonderful and others are really tough. I am really speaking for myself rather than Jamie. I find that the days I dwell on a blurry past or unknown future combined with filling in the blanks with my imagination, I can develope quite a case of emotional upheaval. At the beach last week, I was able to have a really meaningful conversation with my mother-in-law despite children shouting, snatching, crying, etc. so it is significant that it stuck with me. It is just what I needed to hear.

1 - God is more concerned with my character than my circumstances. What we put so much emphasis on is not necessarily what He finds important. I felt immediate relief upon hearing this from Betty. I don't need to cling to my circumstances and rant and rail about how unfair they are or how tough they are. He knows but He is more concerned with my response.

2 - I put too much stock in lies from Satan. I have noticed recently that a lot of my unhappiness stems from believing lies...

a. Weight is very important.
b. You need to have a perfectly clean house if you stay at home because... you stay at home. Otherwise people will
think you sit around and eat candy and watch TV.:)
c. What others think is very important.
d. Your children should behave in a way others find appropriate even if those people don't know what has transpired that day.
e. If someone has hurt you in the past, keep your distance from them and don't let them close. They will only hurt
you again.
f. The way to please God is to strive for perfection on your own strength. He will be impressed... as will others.
g. You must be tough. Don't ask for help - it suggests weakness.

I put so much pressure on myself to be perfect and to be tough. The last six months have really taken a toll on me and hammered me in these areas. I have been struggling in these areas for far longer than Jonathan has been alive but the circumstances under which he was born have really highlighted my struggles and have given me a perspective I might have been lacking the rest of my life had he not been born with his condition.

3 - There is no magic pill. I know this but I forget and find myself trying to analyze my life to death, convinced I will find the one thing that will take away the pain. I will never find the formula to make everything perfect in my life. I will struggle on a daily basis for the rest of my life. Being a Christian does not make my life easier - sometimes I think it is tougher. Being a Christian means recognizing that I am powerless and I need help. I have worked my whole life not to need God and I never knew it. He has allowed me to be brought to this place where I need help and I cannot deny it. I cannot go it alone. It is not about more scripture memory, more Bible studies, better behavior, etc. It is about committing to surrendering my will to His on a daily basis.

4 - It is a daily choice. Not only is there no magic pill, but it is a daily choice to choose to allow the Holy Spirit to live through me. I must choose to live for Him rather than myself. Again, I find a sense of peace in that. I don't have to live for me anymore. I don't need to be living in a constant state of self-preservation. I can let go of hurts and disappointments, focusing on living for Him instead of myself. However, I have to commit to it every day because complete healing will not occur with one prayer. In fact, I won't find complete peace until I get to heaven. I cannot do it alone. I thought I could keep searching until one day I would be one of those people that you read about - those people that are Christians and seem perfectly at peace all the time, who don't appear to struggle with anything. That is a myth! Maybe those people exist but I don't think so. What is probably more accurate is that those people get up every morning, recognize they are powerless, pray intensely for help, and surrender their own desires on a daily basis.

Thanks for following our story. I will post pictures when I find them. We had some great ones from the beach!

Julie

juliewarren@mindspring.com