Friday night, I met up with my old Biblestudy group and asked them if they thought it was possible Jonathan's diagnosis was a punishment. That was met with a resounding "no!" and Romans 8:1, that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ. They encouraged me to identify the lies and to quit believing them. This discussion gave me a ray of hope.
Sunday, our pastor preached on being desperate for the Holy Spirit this week. We read Exodus 33 about Moses meeting with God and experiencing God's glory. Our pastor challenged us to fast on Tuesday and to pray that God would show us as much of His glory as we could handle. I began praying that moment for God to reveal His glory to me. I found myself drawn to Jonathan more than usual and started to see our situation in an entirely different light.
Monday night I started the process of beginning Jonathan's baby book - I printed out pictures from the first six months of his life. I printed out pictures of him as a newborn (http://thefourjs.blogspot.com/2005_11_01_archive.html), in his "crib" in the NICU under the blue lights, coming home with a heart monitor on, prep for heart surgery, what he looked like immediately after his surgery (http://thefourjs.blogspot.com/2006_02_01_archive.html), his staples from the surgery (http://thefourjs.blogspot.com/2006_03_01_archive.html), his chest after the staples were removed, and pictures of him totally healed from his operation.
After praying constantly, "Lord, show me Your glory, show me Your glory, show me Your glory," I truly saw the photos for the first time. I realized that God had been showing me His glory all along - I was simply too blind to see it. Jonathan should not have survived his first night here - a nurse just happened to notice him turning blue. He was jaundiced, but recovered. He could not maintain a warm body temperature for days but finally did. His lungs would not keep his oxygen at safe levels, but they eventually did. He could have died in heart surgery but he didn't. Jackson could have resented the focus on Jonathan but he didn't - he kissed him every chance he got and continues to help as much as he can. This situation should have made our marriage harder but it has made it so much better.
Looking back, I am ashamed of how I responded to the Lord in November of 2005. Grief for what could have been was fine - lashing out at the Lord was a mistake. He was in control and could be trusted - I had convinced myself otherwise. Bringing Jonathan's diagnosis into our lives has been the best refiner of my faith and I could not be more thankful. I realize that Jackson, Jonathan, the miscarriage - all of it - is in God's hands. His purposes cannot be thwarted and I can relax. I am simply thrilled that the Lord has not given up on me and continues to pursue a personal relationship with me.
Seeing His glory,
Julie
juliewarren@mindspring.com
Jason, Gracie, and Jonathan.
The Cousins.
Julie and Noah Bratcher.
Emma holding Jonathan while watching a video.
Jackson and Eric playing Emma's princess game.
Jonathan got a soccer ball for Christmas.
No shower, no make up for Mommy, loving it.
Jackson requested a robot from Santa. Little did "Santa" know that the robot says "DESTROY, DESTROY, DESTROY."
Voelkert family - Ryan, Em, Eric, and Emma.
Daddy, Aunt Emmy, and Jonathan look like the Doodle Bops!
Uncle Ryan.
Jamie, Julie, Jackson, and Jonathan - not sure why Jonathan is still in his PJs and we are not...
Pops and Nana.
Jackson getting his Transformers.
For some reason, Jonathan likes wearing this mask around the house.:)
Jackson at the park with us and Grammie. He hates wearing a helmet.
New Years' Eve with Linden, Ashby, and Phillip.
Julie, Kasey, and Julie at the Cundiff house.
Hard to explain this one - Joel told us that this is how all the Hollywood types pose so they don't look like they have a double
chin... supposed to be more flattering...
Again, Jonathan is at Jackson's mercy. Jonathan does this when he hears "we lift up our hands and pray" on the iPod.
Jackson and Jonathan "playing the drums."
