I think all families must live like this - hanging on as event after unplanned event happens. It is a wild ride and as a friend of mine once said, "You mean life is happening?" That put it all into perspective for me - life happens and you adjust. This month is the first time since the first of January that Jonathan has seemed okay when I dropped him off at childcare. He attends twice a week at a place called Hand In Hand. They integrate typical and non-typical children and won't let Jonathan get away with things. They make him walk (he pathetically will lift his hands up, begging to be carried). He is asked to eat what everyone else eats (he refuses to eat most table food). He is not treated differently and I appreciate that. He does not appreciate it in the least.:) It has been agonizing for me, dropping him off, knowing he is upset. He swats at me to tell me he is angry. Jackson used to get very upset going to Mothers' Morning Out as well and I would think, "Is this for him or me?" Jonathan's situation is different because he will learn skills from his peers more readily than his teachers. It is imperative he is in an environment with typical peers and with teachers who are comfortable with his needs and will not indulge him. So, he seems to be adjusting and I am so grateful.Thankfully, Jackson continues to love school. His school is incredibly creative and he loves that. He likes to get out and play sports but not on a team. He told me he doesn't like the rules.:) He is such an encourager for Jonathan - he helped Jonathan say "bowl" on the way to the beach. Jackson was so proud! We have spent so much time in doctors' offices that, for fun, Jackson asks me to tell him what all the body parts are displayed on the charts on the walls and their relative functions for the body. The kid may become a doctor just because of so much exposure at a young age. We went back to the pulmonologist for a follow up after the sleep study. Jonathan had a barium swallow which determined that he did not aspirate while eating. We were trying to figure out why he is constantly congested - it seems it is simply because of his smaller anatomy. That was the initial conclusion but we wanted to make sure it was not something else. When your kid coughs and has a runny nose year round, you want to help them any way you can. Another mother told me about "Juice Plus" - some kind of pills or vitamins that kids eat to supplement their diet if they don't eat much in the way of vegetables. Apparently, it has really helped some kids stay healthy. We will try that next.:)Jamie and I are realizing more and more that we cannot live this life by ourselves. Before, my perspective was that it was my responsibility to live in accordance with biblical guidelines as best I could. I viewed my faith as a book of rules and if I worked hard enough, I would build up a credit so that I was immune to hardship. Christ was my way to heaven more than in charge of my life. I see that is completely faulty thinking now. I understand now that Christ has to do it all. When I hit a tough moment, I recognize it and call on the Lord to do it for me, to supply me with the strength and wisdom to survive the circumstance. It is neat because my faith is finally just that - faith. Always before it has been a book of rules - too complicated.I got pregnant in January and I heard the heartbeat at six weeks. I never felt the same symptoms as with the boys. After the miscarriage last fall, I didn't commit as much emotionally either. Upon hearing the heartbeat I told the doctor I was really surprised to see the baby. The doctor was confident this pregnancy would move along just fine but I was not apprehensive - my gut said things were not so secure. Two weeks ago, I miscarried again. It was a tough day - Jamie was headed out of town and I didn't tell him until that evening. I cried most of the day but didn't want to tell anyone until I told him. Even though I was sad, this experience was easier than last fall. I do not feel responsible and this time my perspective is different about God's role. Last time I thought He was sending me a message and if I didn't root out the sin in my life (I didn't know what that might be), we would have another child with special needs. As I type that, I know it sounds crazy - it revealed my heart and how I was making up my own rules instead of believing in the God of the Bible. My view of Him was that He was a punishing God. But after much soul searching, I realized I had concocted an unbiblical view of God that fit in with my rules. I realized that He was not punishing me or waiting to zap our next child. I was so relieved. We don't know if we will have more children. We were shooting for me to give birth before 35, trying to beat the odds. I feel really peaceful because, in my mind, it has been up to me to follow all the rules to keep a potential child healthy and typical. God is completely capable of giving us a typical, healthy child at 40. He may give us one that has special needs. He may not give us any more. Whatever happens does not catch Him by surprise. Whatever happens, the outcome was intended to be just that and I have found real peace. I still have a tough time on occasion but I am healing.
On a positive note, Jackson will turn five in two weeks and we cannot fathom our little boy heading to kindergarten in the fall. I think he wants to be a baby again, to get attention. He often regresses and imitates Jonathan's walk and talk. He even put on a diaper last week. Nice.
I have attached recent pix below. Enjoy!
Julie:)
juliewarren@mindspring.com
Jonathan loves cookies. He will do whatever it takes to get to
them, or even to the cookie dough. 
Daddy and Jackson cooking together. Jamie is wearing an apron Jackson got at a pizza party.:)
Jackson at his class' Easter egg hunt. They all made their own "baskets" out of shoeboxes, fabric, and ribbon.
The Easter bunny showed up at the party!
The boys on our family bike ride at the beach. Jonathan actually wore his helmet this year without crying. Jackson was able to ride for longer stretches. Much
better experience this year!
Boys on the green, taking a break from the bike ride.
We met up with the Cundiffs at the Sugar Shak one evening.
Mommy burying Jackson. It was rather cold on the beach.
